CHAPTER 4

=== OPENING CUTSCENE ===

[1]
R(easoning): Bresby's talking about the conference that's currently ongoing so the tense is wrong.
A(lternative): "Benetram and Gracia are still discussing the true nature of JuMeSyn. We shouldn't interrupt."

[2]
R: A bit stiff, mainly the first half.
A: "But I suppose you wouldn't know how the conference is developing if you haven't been to the castle..."

[3]
R: Again, a bit stiff. ('I guess' is informal, but the lack of contraction in 'they are not done' is overly formal.)
A: "Then it seems they still haven't finished yet..."

[4]
R: Awkward phrasing, and 'we' is an incorrect choice of word. (Isabella is staying with the Julian army, not travelling with Medion.) Also phrasing it as a question makes it flow better with Medion's next line (about how the Emperor wants to leave right away).
A: "Brother, the garrison is in place. Will you be leaving soon?"

[5]
R: Extremely stiff. Synbios sounds like a narrator.
A: "It's rare for this many strong warriors to gather at the gate of Aspia Castle."

[6]
R: Last line is weird. Kahn's comment makes it clearer, but it should be more obvious Dantares is lamenting a recent oopsie rather than the near-fight on the bridge.
A: "I'd rather not show my face in front of Gracia right now..."

[7]
R: What does Kahn mean by 'lost' here? It can't be physically lost because it's literally Dantares' home. I am guessing the intention is more that they did their own search and lost track of time/missed the conference.
A: "We lost track of time searching for the secret of JuMeSyn."

[8]
R: This line is very ambiguous (I spent several minutes thinking it said 'you helped Melinda AND ALSO our soldiers'). Double check with a translator, but I think the intention is that Synbios is saying 'you were fighting for Melinda's sake and didn't have a choice'.
A: "What are you talking about, Medion? You were fighting for your mother's sake...There was nothing you could have done."

[9]
R: Stiff.
A: "Once I've finished accompanying my father home to Destonia, I won't let anything stop me from catching up to you!"

[10]
R: "Suggests" is maybe a bit weak here. They'd already decided not to interrupt the conference, but Isabella's suggestion has convinced them to do otherwise. Ensuing line 10a also feels rough.
A: "Isabella insists we check out the conference." "Maybe we should see if they've made any progress..."

=== ASPIA ===

[11]
R: Second half is very weird.
A: "Lord Tristus is keeping a close eye on him until he boards the ship from Baersol."

[12]
R: Weirdly ordered.
A: "I'm praying that the Synbios army succeeds in their expedition, and safely makes it home to Aspia."

[13]
R: Descendant is a noun, not a verb.
A: "...who are descended from the penguins of the north..."

[14]
R: 'the special offspring' isn't great, and 'world' is overused in this paragraph. Also Pendolf is probably positing this as a theory to himself, since he just said this is a great mystery and isn't aware that Julian is listening to him.
A: "Perhaps...When the world is in disorder, destiny brings these special children to us. Children who will rise up and fight for the sake of peace."

[15]
R: Pendolf is asking you directly to join, so he shouldn't be referring to himself in the third person.
A: "Will you allow me to join your force?"

[16]
(Say no when Pendolf asks to join the force)
R: "you can't make up your mind" sounds wrong here.
A: "It's a pity...but give it some more thought. I'll be researching the secret of special penguin life while you decide."

[17]
(Say yes when Pendolf asks to join the force)
R: Awkward. I have no idea what these ellipses are doing here.
A: "My intelligence will be of great use to you in your coming battles...so I shall serve the Julian army!"

[18]
R: The previous line had Pendolf talk about saying his goodbyes, so switch the words up to avoid repetition.
A: "Farewell. Let us meet again on the battlefield..."

[19]
R: This and 19a are a bit stiff. I'm trying not to think too much about the mechanics behind this.
A: "If those two finish their sacred workings, I'll revert to being an ordinary penguin." "Let's step away quietly so that we don't disturb them, shall we?"

[20]
R: Stiff, and the second sentence is strangely ordered.
A: "The fate of a military nation is destruction. The Empire and Republic both overdeveloped their armies, and Aspia has paid the price for it."

[21]
R: First line feels too clinical for a kid.
A: "Aspia is safe now, but dad..."

[22]
R: Just generally odd. (She's also referring to a merchant in another house, not the drunk guy wandering around outside.)
A: "There was a merchant sleeping here when the invasion began. Now that Garvin's dead, he barely has a country to go home to."

[23]
R: Second sentence is meandering, and largely a repetition of the first.
A: "Which means one long-lost relic ended up destroying another."

[24]
R: "After a loud noise" is too impersonal for talking to another person.
A: "There was a loud noise, and the wall came tumbling down."

[25]
R: Hey, it's the guy from 22! Anyway, second half of the sentence is clunky.
A: "Even back in Saraband...there's no business now that Garvin is gone."

[26]
R: 'happy' is probably the wrong word here. Next line 26a is clunky. (We went from penguin mating to consummating marriages. Why is there so much sex in Aspia? :P)
A: "For them to let us stay here...I'm very grateful...but on the other hand, it's a pity." "These young'uns can't consummate their marriage with us around, which just isn't fair on them."

[27]
R: So she knows it's probably from shock but she's still puzzled? That and the odd ordering calls for an overhaul.
A: "The weapon dealer lost everything, but he's strangely cheerful about it. I wonder if he's in shock."

[28]
R: The 'as I thought' at the end is really awkward.
A: "It was wrong of me to assume everyone from the Imperial army was an enemy of the Republic."

[29]
R: Second sentence is a bit too...casual? It sounds like a very polite British man.
A: "I wonder if he's still carrying those words with him now..."

=== ASPIA HQ ===

[30]
R: More clause weirdness and meandering.
A: "Everyone's getting impatient now that Synbios has left, so you'd better go see Gracia and the others at the meeting hall in Aspia Castle."

[31]
R: Stiff.
A: "My heart aches when I think of Stella, carrying our child by herself...Maybe it's because we've never been apart this long."

[32]
R: Second sentence is off.
A: "I believe you'll be able to make it to our home."

=== ASPIA CASTLE ===

[33]
R: Awkward first sentence.
A: "There aren't many guards left at the castle, so we're stuck guarding the gate by ourselves. -sigh- It looks like our job is going to get pretty rough."

[34]
R: Overuse of 'army'.
A: "Both General Fafhard and his son Braff's armies were defeated by the Synbios force... They have earned their reputation as the Republic's finest."

[35]
R: Just a mess of a sentence all around. 35a isn't much better.
A: "Through the schemes of General Fafhard and his son Braff, King Benetram was left by himself to defend Aspia Castle." "Once Prince Arrawnt wormed his way inside, we were powerless to stop the Imperial occupation."

[36]
R: Awkward.
A: "Julian, is it true that you made it to Destonia, the Imperial capital?"

[37]
R: You steal treasure, or you rob a vault. You don't rob treasure. The next line 37a is generally rough.
A: "Damn Imperial army. They planned to steal the treasures here, but I protected them with my life." "Okay...Actually...Prince Arrawnt wouldn't let them loot the vault. You're free to look inside!"

[38]
R: Last sentence is weird.
A: "...We were too close to see it for what it really was."

[39]
R: More clause ordering weirdness.
A: "We've known for a while about the ancient tank in Storich that destroyed the castle wall. We never expected Governor Garvin to repair it..."

[40]
R: Ordering.
A: "According to the lettering on the ruin walls, the Ancient Kingdom's capital was protected by a giant warrior that could withstand any attack."

[41]
R: Singular/plural mixup on 'ruins', and generally stiff.
A: "Up ahead are the ruins where the Titan emerged. We don't know what else is down there, so it's off limits to everyone but the researchers."

[42]
R: First part of the sentence is weirdly worded. (Wait, is Benetram actually going to steal Domaric's wife what the hell-)
A: "Since Lady Melinda arrived,"

[43]
R: Weirdly worded. I think the intention is 'they're rejecting rationing because they want people to buy their stuff for short term profit'? (Are these the same books on the shelves in Scenario 1? If so make sure to change that as well.)
A: "A portion of the ruling class has prioritized the use of their assets, and as a result they frequently reject proposals for the rationing of supplies."

[44]
R: Awkwardly long. (Are these the same books on the shelves in Scenario 1? If so make sure to change that as well.)
A: "Southern Aspinia is home to many turbulent social movements, brought about by poor crop harvests and a regional sense of oppression."

[45]
R: Clunky.
A: "I assumed JuMeSyn was the name of a person, or a secret scripture of some sort. That was the premise we had been working from."

[46]
R: Kind of disconnected from Gracia's previous line.
A: "But JuMeSyn has been a cryptic word for centuries, so our research into the matter was fruitless."

[47]
R: Clunky.
A: "The names Julian, Medion and Synbios...take the first syllable from each of them, and they spell the word JuMeSyn."

[48]
R: Weirdly passive?
A: "After spending a lot of time in the Imperial library, I've become quite adept at spotting word play."

[49]
R: I genuinely have no idea what Gracia's getting at here. Hints from who? About what? My BEST guess is something weird happened with pronouns (We -> I) and 'hint' was a translation for 'advantage'. Gracia's previous line mentioned that JuMeSyn will give them strength, so I THINK this is supposed to be a continuation on that? RUN THIS LINE BY A TRANSLATOR BECAUSE THIS IS 90% CONJECTURE ON MY PART
A: "If we have the blessing of JuMeSyn...I believe it will give us the upper hand."

[50]
R: Weirdly stiff ending.
A: "...the consequences would be disastrous."

[51]
(say yes when asked if the other armies will persevere)
R: Second half is off.
A: "...but Prince Medion will have a much harsher journey escorting the emperor back to the capital."

[52]
(say no when asked if the other armies will persevere)
R: Mechanical.
A: "You've fought alongside Lord Synbios and Prince Medion, Julian. You should trust in your bond with them."

[53]
R: Clunky. Melinda is still trying to argue Benetram out of being Julian's advisor here.
A: "Yes, but as the emperor he wouldn't see the front without a whole army backing him..."

[54]
(after leaving the castle, if you saved all the refugees in Scenario 1)
R: Second half is more clause weirdness. Benetram's reply in 54a is similarly weird.
A: "I wanted to give my thanks to the Synbios army...but we were held up in Storich because we didn't have our papers. Are we too late?" "I understand...Unfortunately, the Synbios army has already moved out and is no longer in Aspia..."

=== BATTLE 14 ===

[55]
R: Strangely worded. I'm assuming the strange feeling is the fact that she isn't afraid despite how obviously dangerous the expedition is.
A: "It's strange, but even though we're marching north into unknown territory, I don't think I'm afraid..."

[56]
R: While Benetram is formal, 'should not be locked' is a bit too mechanical.
A: "It shouldn't be locked."

[57]
R: Weird.
A: "There it is. The unknown land, and our path to Remotest...and Bulzome."

[58]
R: If it's something he sensed and stopped sensing, it should be past tense.
A: "It's nothing. Just a feeling I had."

[59]
R: It's really weird that the line after Gracia tells you to head north he tells you to wait up. Clarify with the later lines that he's telling you to stay on guard.
A: "Wait, Julian! There are evil forces gathering here. We should prepare for battle and advance cautiously."

[60]
(reject Donhort when he asks to scout ahead)
R: Last two clauses could be easily rolled up into one. Also he's talking to Julian here, not Donhort.
A: "He may be at risk on his own, but I believe an experienced knight like Donhort will be fine scouting ahead a bit."

[61]
R: A little weird on the clause ordering.
A: "Yes. We must investigate that area if we're to prepare for the battle with Bulzome."

[62]
R: Kinda strange wording in the second half?
A: "When we reach the road, you'll be surprised at how well-kept it is."

[63]
R: "The secret" is a bit too vague, and Gracia's line in 63a is just a repetition.
A: "Our objective will become clear soon, Donhort. Let's proceed." "Hurry and follow after Benetram, Julian. He'll share his intentions in due time."

=== BATTLE 15 ===

[64]
R: Awkward and barely connected to the previous line, where Gracia says 'my powers are improving, but what could that be a sign of?'
A: "I think you'll understand better when you see it for yourself..."

[65]
R: They've already established there are monsters in the way, so this is just repetition again. And no real connection to the previous line 64.
A: "For now, we should focus on the evil creatures that are blocking our path to the village."

[66]
R: Call this a pet peeve but -worried- seems very unnecessary here.
A: "Oh, this is going to hold us back..."

[67]
(Advice screen)
R: First two sentences are awkward.
A: "I can see Aural village in the distance, but I've caught glimpses of demons hiding along the path towards it. Be wary of an ambush as we proceed."

[68]
(Spiriel recruitment)
R: First sentence is ugly.
A: "Oh, I haven't seen you since the battle beneath Aspia Castle...General Spiriel of the Empire, correct?"

[69]
R: Last line is too mechanical.
A: "...I also remember what she made me do."

[70]
(post fight cutscene)
R: Too mechanical. Also 'doesn't accept' is much more passive than 'rejects'.
A: "This is the Holy River, one half of the Thousand Mile River. Its waters are said to reject evil beings."

[71]
R: This is a question. Gracia is following up from a question he asked prior to the battle about what his growing powers could symbolise, to which Benetram said 'it's better to see for yourself'. Benetram's reply 71a also should be tweaked accordingly.
A: "King Benetram, you said we would learn more about my powers in this village, didn't you?" "Yes, that's right."

=== AURAL ===

[72]
R: "The answer" sounds kind of weird.
A: "What we're looking for must be at the origin of the Holy River."

[73]
R: Nobody seems to know...what? Whether it's named Ark Hill or where it's located? Presumably it's the latter but if so it that should be made clearer.
A: "I believe they named the spot where it landed Ark Hill...but nobody's quite sure where that is."

[74]
R: I'm guessing the last sentence is meant to advertise how the drink tastes as opposed to how it warms you up.
A: "If you're heading north, take some ale. It's perfect for moving in the snow. Very tasty, too."

=== AURAL HQ ===

[75]
R: Second sentence is rough.
A: "A discplined army like theirs will have covered a lot of ground already."

[76]
R: Repetition of 'knowledge'.
A: "Benetram knows so much about the northern continent. His wisdom is incredible."

[77]
R: Weird.
A: "I might be able to reach the Synbios army if I went on ahead, but it's too dangerous to go by myself."

[89]
R: ~KateLine~, mainly just the start.
A: "With how fast we've been moving, we haven't had a chance to rest since we left Destonia. Is everyone alright?"

=== AURAL CAVE (ONEANERA) ===

[78]
R: Off, and 'descendant' is misspelled.
A: "...along with a descendant of the Innovators."

[79]
R: Again, a typo. (Descendent is an adjective meaning 'to be descended from', while descendant is a noun. Descendent, while technically correct, is generally not used in modern English.)
A: "Benetram, descendant of the Navigator..."

[80]
R: Sentence 2 is mechanical.
A: "But the mystery has been solved now, so we will also be heading north."

[81]
R: See 78 and 79.
A: "I'm Gracia, descendant of the Innovators."

[82]
R: Status sounds too much like Gracia's getting his credit score checked for something this mystical.
A: "The gem will verify your Innovator heritage."

[83]
R: Second sentence needs tweaking.
A: "That's why I dedicated myself to defeating the Vandals."

[84]
R: Descendent typo again, and the second sentence needs to be broken up.
A: "The gem has revealed you are indeed a descendant of the Innovators, and also a Spirit Bearer."

[85]
R: 'the concern I had has been realised' is just odd.
A: "But right now it seems I was right to be concerned. We must head for Ark Hill!"

[86]
R: "I now understand" is unnatural.
A: "Benetram, I understand now how critical your ancestry is to this expedition..."

[87]
(Try to leave Aural before talking to Oneanera)
R: Just generally rough.
A: "I understand you want to catch the Synbios army, Julian, but we need to investigate the cave first."

=== BATTLE 16 ===

[88]
R: ~KateLine~
A: "We'll be the last ones to Remotest. By the time we get there, the Synbios and Medion armies might already be fighting Bulzome."

[90]
(post fight cutscene)
R: ~KateLine~
A: "This mountain path must be the route Oneanera told us about. It's in awful condition."

[91]
R: Really needs a comma.
A: "Do you think the battleship was sent to impede us, or even to attack us?"

[92]
(say yes when asked if you think the battleship is here to attack you)
R: 'Avenge' is very wrong here, since the attack in question was the emperor's doing. The followup 92a is unnatural.
A: "It could be the emperor. He probably wants revenge for what happened in Aspia." "We stopped him there, so perhaps he's sent a force to return the favour."

[93]
(say no)
R: Awkward.
A: "If it's the emperor, he'd hold a grudge against both us and the Synbios army. Could he really be sending a force that strong?"

=== BATTLE 17 ===

[94]
R: Very weirdly phrased. The next line 94a is also strange - what does he want them to bring? Hiking gear?
A: "I noticed you pushing through exhaustion in your efforts to climb this mountain." "Consider this a friendly warning: don't push ahead until you're properly prepared."

OK frankly every other line in this scene strikes me as being stiff or unnatural, so I'm gonna just link pics and alternatives.

[95]
(Needs to be clearer that Jubei has history with the Rainbloods and they're not just random goons to him)
"Yes, but I'm not the only one. There's another shadowy group following you, and I believe they're looking to take your lives!"

[96]
(Adjusting to match the changes in 95. Also make it clearer that Isabella is putting together that it's the Rainbloods.)
"A shadowy group...targeting us for assassination?"

[97]
"It seems while we were tracking the Julian army, someone else was tracking us. An oversight unbecoming of the Rainbloods."

[98]
"You are certainly persistent, samurai of the east! You've already lost your leader and your country. Have you still not had your fill, Jubei?!"

[99]
"Gracia and Julian...we may have failed once before, but you won't escape us this time."

[100]
"You're wondering where the rest of the Rainbloods are? It's hardly your concern, but the other four members have split into pairs as well."

[101]
"This is bad. They're going to attack us from three different fronts!"

[102]
"-laughing- Don't you realise that even without the other Rainbloods, you have no hope of victory? The two of us alone could defeat any force."

[103]
"You are also known as the chess army. That's why you're named after chess pieces and your leader is the King, correct?"

[104]
"The strength of an army in chess comes from synergy between the pieces. You may be powerful when you're working together, but there's only two of you here. Even your leader is absent."

[105]
"I've been following you for a long time in search of a chance like this. The other Rainbloods aren't here to help you. Nobody will cover for your weaknesses now."

[106]
"We have been eager to strike down the Julian army for their crimes against the emperor."

[107]
"The Rainbloods are fearsome enemies. Fighting all six at once would be impossible."

[108]
"But luck shines on us. They are divided now, which means they won't be able to realize their full strength."

[109]
(Jubei recruitment)
R: "You fought them earlier" is the wrong reading. He's talking about Jubei's past experience with the Rainbloods.
A: "You've fought them before."

[110]
R: More clunky stuff!
A: "We managed to defeat the Rainbloods! As I thought, even mighty foes like these are vulnerable without their teammates' support."

[111]
R: "Dreadful" doesn't really convey the right emotion here, I think.
A: "This is disastrous..."

[112]
R: Dying words lack impact, and seem to imply that the other armies are already dead (which is obviously not true).
A: "Once the other Rainbloods have defeated the remaining armies, they will be certain to avenge our defeat-!"

[113]
R: ~KateLine~
A: "We've beaten the Bishop and Pawn, but now the King and Queen will be seeking revenge. Could they really be that much more powerful?"

=== CHAPTER END CUTSCENE ===

[114]
R: Breaking up the repetition in these lines a bit.
A: "I can't see any sign of it. What about you, Gracia?"

[115]
R: More clunk.
A: "Perhaps we missed the road to Maya? We've searched the whole area, but we've found nothing."

[116]
R: ~KateLine~
A: "I can hear something, Isabella. It's soft, but it sounds strange...what is it?"

[117]
R: ~KateLineByProxy~
A: "A soft and strange noise? Could you elaborate?"

[118]
R: Still sounds childish.
A: "It's sort of a humming sound. Almost like a distant swarm of bees..."

[119]
R: I'm stuck on this line. Wings don't rotate and obviously she's talking about the propellers on the houses in Maya, but she'd have no idea what a propeller is so...
A: "No, hold on. Now it sounds like something's flapping...Wings!"

[120]
R: Weird place for the sentence to cut off.
A: "What...?"

[121]
R: Poorly worded first half.
A: "Maya is the last remnant of an ancient civilization, tasked with guarding Ark Hill."

[122]
R: Stiff. Same with the followup line 122a.
A: "I'm surprised as well, Julian. A legendary city of flying buildings..." "Even seeing it with my own eyes, I can't bring myself to believe it."

[123]
R: Feels generally childish.
A: "It reminds me of the Walcuray. Ancient technology...is frightening."

[124]
R: The final punchline doesn't really fit the ellipsis.
A: "After defeating two of the Rainbloods, the Julian army discovered a village floating in the sky..."